Saturday, February 16, 2013

Changes in life

I never thought following your dreams and doing what it is you love to do would be so scary. I guess I always envisioned the moment when one found what they're passionate about to open a door to instant success. Not necessarily extreme wealth, but satisfaction, ease, and success with whatever it is one is passionate about. For example: Let's say you love to sew. You love making things for people, creating new designs and are good at it. In my mind I always thought that doors would open for you, you'd get contracts and have your clothing sold in stores, online and even worn on the red carpet. It'd be easy, flawless, comfortable.
No one ever mentioned fear.
I've been working at being a professional writer now for 2.5 years. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a long time. Some days it feels like forever though. I've discovered a TON about myself during this process and have realized my passion. I love writing. I love absolutely everything about it. I've found others who share my passion, either through writing or reading what I've written. I've also discovered how insecure I am. I thought I was a strong person who didn't give a rats behind about what anyone thought of her, but I'm not. I care. Deeply.
I'm getting to the point that I've been working on for two years now and it scares the absolute crap out of me. I've gotten an excellent opportunity in a writing avenue. An opportunity that will open me up to have more flexibility with my writing as well as to work from home, away from the structure of bureaucracy that I hate. I'm beyond excited for this opportunity, but scared to death to leave the security of the job I've had for years. The job I hate. The job that stresses me out so much I've had hives for two years; where I know, if I stay, I'll end up having a coronary before I reach 40. I want to leave. I'm thrilled to be able to leave. It scares the absolute crap out of me.
I always tell people who are in my position to have faith. Trust in God or whatever higher power you believe in to have your back, that everything will be okay. Why is it so hard to follow my own advice? Why is following your dreams so terrifying? Shouldn't doing what you love and loving what you do be the thing you're working to achieve? Shouldn't that be a dream come true, instead of inspiring terror?
Good things are happening, I'm beyond excited about what the future holds, I just have to learn to let go of the fear. Thank you for your love and support over the years. I look forward to many years ahead with you. :)

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A grumpy patient

As you may or may not be aware of, I work in a locked psych institute. I hate it. I want nothing more in my life than to just be able to write for a living.
That being said, I had an interesting patient last night. This person is supposedly ex military with a pain med issue. (I say supposedly because it's sometimes difficult to judge reality with people, this person could just be REALLY obsessed with Call of Duty. The pain med issue is that this person doesn't get enough to drool all over them self.)
This person woke up from a nightmare and cussed out the nurses and myself for not giving out pain meds like candy. The med nurse got really upset and yelled right back at this patient. The patient then said, "Fuck you! You don't understand my pain! You've never been in combat!"
Here's where I get annoyed. First of all, how do you know the nurse hasn't been in combat? You don't even know his name, let alone any information about him. Secondly, do I have to have been in combat to know how traumatic that is? Really? I can't imagine or sympathize with your pain based on my personal history, which you know nothing about, and empathize with you based on your words, actions and my understanding? That's not possible? I'd have to have been next to you, to understand?
My how this patient's attitude changed when the nurse explained that he'd been 18 during the Vietnam War.
Don't presume to judge others because you have no idea what they've lived through. I've watched people die. I've created life and watched as it was literally flushed away. I know pain. It may not be your exact pain, but I understand what it's like to have life shatter in your very hands.
That mentality drives me batty. Then I remember I work in a locked psych institute. Most of the people there barely have the ability to cope with day to day life, let alone are able to grasp the social understanding that life doesn't revolve around you and that you're not that unique.
Sorry, I'm venting today. I hope you're day is filled with positivity, love and the ability to show someone they're important, for even just a moment. <3